A voice came down from heaven and was heard by only one man, Tom Spiteri. The voice proclaimed that two angels were to be sent from the heavens to assist Tom Spiteri with finding something special that had been buried in the ground by the lord almighty himself. So, the two angels came down from heaven and announced themselves as “Skream” and “Funtcase” (gotta be careful how I say that one). The angels had the job of directing the poor innocent nobody, Tom Spiteri, to whatever it was that was buried under the ground by the lord almighty (see previous chapter of the life of Tom).

Tom Spiteri was directed by the two angels, Skream and Funtcase, to walk through the treacherous grounds of Radyr Comprehensive (stairs and all) for the length of 40 minutes and 40 sec0nds. The path was deadly, Tom was confronted by many of the evil devil’s sneaky blockades. Tom had to battle his way through the homework piles of none other than Mary Egan herself. Tom had to resist the temptation of the deliciously greasy cafeteria burgers. Finally, Tom had to stop his emotions from getting the better of him when he was presented with an F in his science exam.

Nothing could stop young (and foolish at this point in time) Tom Spiteri from continuing on the path of righteousness, the walk of destiny, the holy trail (or grail, heyhey). At last, the holy shrine of Mount Field itself was in view, beams of bright light were being shot from the ground into the sky. Tom accompanied by Skream and Funtcase ran (well, the angels flew really) towards Mount Field. Young Tom pulled his “Cast iron – China” shovel from out of no-where (only God truly knows where!) and began to dig in the designated digging area (set out by the Cardiff Council health and safety experts, of course).

Hours of digging passed, Tom could have easily given up but the scent of 24 carat gold kept him going (not that gold actually smells). Tom finally struck gold (practically)! Tom fell onto his knees and started pulling the TWO objects he had uncovered out from the slightly damp soil. With a final heave, the two object flung out of the ground and luckily missed Tom’s head by only a few inches. Tom cried with all the emotion from his epic journey through the grounds of Radyr Comprehensive, past all of the devil’s temptations / objects and finally the big dig (what other way could I put it).

Tom had uncovered two golden DUBPLATES (vinyl players or turntables to be precise), along with a set of instructions and a few other leaflets explaining trouble shooting and health and safety when using these golden dubplates. Stuck underneath one of the dubplates was a golden piece of paper (I’ve got a golden ticket!) and on this paper, the following words could be read; “You have been chosen to become The Vinyl Virgin”. Tom understood this command from God, he was to be known as The Vinyl Virgin.

So Tom later went home, plugged in his dubplates and started mixing, mashing and creating some brilliant Dubstep tunes. When others came into the ro0m, they could not hear or even see the apparent “golden dubplates”. So Tom made up some phony story about two angels visiting him called “Skream” and “Funtcase”, him walking for many minutes to get to a hill where two golden dubplates were buried. The end.